In the King's Court
by Thenumber1riddlerfan
Summary: If there was one thing Sabrina Grimm hated about her job, it was being in Puck's Courtroom. Set after The Council of Mirrors.


If there was one thing Sabrina Grimm didn't like about her job as an everafter defense attorney, it was taking cases to Puck's kingdom. It wasn't just that the court system was indecipherable down there or that you couldn't carry a weapon. (You couldn't carry a weapon in most courtrooms, but most courtrooms didn't have magical detection equipment.) No, the worst thing about going to Fairie was the certainty of who would be the judge over the proceedings.

It came as no surprise then, that when Sabrina was sitting at the defense table with a pungently nervous man in a courtroom far beneath New York City, she was already in a foul mood. To be fair, her day hadn't started out so well. Ichabod Crane, an old family friend, had hired her to defend him. It was a petty charge, destruction of property, one that could probably be resolved in a day. Because of Sabrina's ties to him, she had taken the case. She found out later, that since the offense had taken place in Fairie, that was where the trial was being held. And since it was an offense against the capital, it would take place in the castle. Sabrina had half a mind to quit the case then and there, but convinced herself that such a trivial matter couldn't attract **HIM. **

She then got lost on her way to the courtroom (She tried hard to avoid this place) and had to ask a castle stable boy where courtroom 84B was. (Why where there over eighty-four royal courtrooms? The only cases the she had seen the king dictate were hers, and that definitely wasn't out of a sense of duty! And why did fairies have **STABLES**? They could turn into horses for # !*'s sake!) She endured the catcalls that followed her. The rumors that she and the king were romantically involved didn't help. Rumors that, unfortunately, were true. As she stalked toward the courtroom block on the **Southeast** side of the castle (Not the Southwest side like she had been thinking. The castle layout was obviously someone's idea of a joke.) her eyes scanned the royal halls. Pictures covered the walls: a forgotten ancestor, her, a family portrait, her, a map of the kingdom, her, her, her. There were so many pictures of her, it was creepy. Her getting her first bike, her riding a roller coaster, her on a date with Bradley, (Bradley was doodled extensively on.) her in bed. (She didn't want to know how he got that one)

When she finally arrived, it made sense that she was put out. Ichabod was sweating profusely, looking at the jurors like a starving man looks at vultures circling above. (The jurors, for their part, just looked bored.) Upon conversing, it became apparent that he would be of no help whatsoever. It took Ichabod twenty seconds to say "Good morning, miss Grimm" he was stuttering so badly. The only good thing that had happened so far was that she hadn't run into… A loud trumpet blare sounded from across the room. Sabrina moaned and put her head in her hands.

"All rise for the king!" one of the attendants cried. Everybody but Sabrina got up.

A handsome adult fairy strode into the room like he owned the place. (Which he did) His herald, a ridiculously short man carrying a ridiculously big book, accompanied him. Sabrina glared daggers at the former Trickster King and current king of Fairie, Puck. Puck just smirked back at her, mounting the steps to the judges chair. His herald, Wheatly Arken, (Mini Wheat behind his back, due to his diminutive stature.) tried unsuccessfully several times to climb the step to the desk of the court transcriber. He eventually gave up, and just sat on the floor giving everyone the evil eye. Wheatly was there to remind everyone of the rules of the court; the rules being that the king could do whatever he wanted.

Ever since Puck had crashed her and Bradley's wedding, Sabrina had been, unfortunately, dating the scummy troll. It wasn't all that bad really. At times Puck was genuinely sweet and positively romantic. Of course at other times he was just loud, obnoxious, and annoying. Whichever he was, Sabrina had to admit, he looked good. He had shaved his beard to reveal a face that made women weak in the knees when it smirked. Sabrina Grimm was unaffected… most of the time.

According to fairy law, the king could sit in on any case that occurred within his kingdom, as long as he acted as judge. While it was seen as a great honor it, of course, threw off the whole legal system. The kings tended to be very vocal and opinionated and none of the jurors wanted to be at odds with their opinions. And what did the king do with this great power? Did he sit in on trials that actually affected the kingdom; the reason the law was there in the first place? No, he decided he'd rather attend EVERY SINGLE CASE that Sabrina took in the fairy kingdom. That would have been fine if he actually did his job, but noooo. The king couldn't be bothered to do that. You see, fairy law says that if the king is sitting in on a trial, he could make demands of the court. It was originally intended so that evidence or a witness could be used even if the judge dismissed it, to make sure everyone got a fair trial, but the rule eventually evolved into meaning the king could do whatever he wanted with a legal prosecution. Sabrina had participated in five cases down here in Fairie, and Puck had sat in on every one of them. At first she thought he was looking out for her. Ha. In the first case, he had made a decree that everybody had to talk in a French accent for the rest of the trial. In the second, it was illegal to walk on your feet. On the third, Sabrina (and the jury) was sequestered to a snowy mountainside, where the only way for her to get warm was to share a coat with Puck. (She almost froze to death) On the fourth, well, let's just say that if Puck tried to get her to wear a bikini throughout the trial again, she didn't care if Ichabod Crane was a long lost brother! She was out of here.

Once everyone had sat down again, Wheatly, with a sense of his own importance, called out.

"The court will come to order. King Robin Puck Goodfellow has agreed to serve as judge. Prosecution, make your introduction and opening statement." A tall and handsome man stepped forward from a table sporting another tall man, not nearly as handsome. The first was lithe, graceful, and moved with a confidence most would envy, a lawyer through and through. The second was wearing an eye-patch, had numerous facial scars, and was apparently missing a hand. Go figure. The handsome one spoke.

"Your majesty, it is an honor to be in your court today. I'm Mr. Hood, and I will be prosecuting for Mr. Hook." Wheatly narrowed his eyes at him.

"I thought the Sherwood foundation closed." he said with a disapproving look. Wheatly didn't like lawyers in general.

"We did your excellence," Mr. Hood continued, "but when Mr. Hook informed us of his unfortunate circumstances, we decided to regroup." "More like how much money he can spare," thought Sabrina. Hook wasn't even paying attention; he was too busy trying to stare down Ichabod, who was trying his best to look as though he was utterly absorbed in his case notes.

"Proceed with your opening statement." Said Wheatly. It looked like Wheatly was going to do Puck's duty for him, like usual. Puck was too busy staring at the defendant's lawyer to do anything anyway.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client, Mr. Hook, is a simple business owner. He runs a lovely little bakery on Titania Avenue, perhaps you've heard of it, Uncle Hook's Bake Shop?" Sabrina snorted. Lovely wasn't the word she would use to describe Hook's shop. Children of all ages avoided and flocked to the block for that very reason. If Hook wanted more customers, he should stop making gingerbread men in various poses of death. Of course then he might lose the few customers he had.

"On the morning of June sixth, Mr. Hook was just getting ready for his day when he heard a crash from the front of the shop. He rushed through the kitchen doors to find this young man, an Ichabod Crane, chasing his dogs around the storefront. Almost every piece of furniture was destroyed. Mr. Hook and I demand restitution for the damage, as he is unable to pay it himse….."

"Where's your hook?" Puck interrupted loudly. Mr. Hood turned to find the king looking at Hook's empty right stump accusingly.

"My what?" Hook growled.

"Your hook, where is it?" Puck seemed exasperated that he had to repeat himself.

"The guards took it off me, said it could be used as a weapon." Hook grunted out.

"So can you really call yourself Mr. Hook when you're missing it?" Puck asked, genuine curiosity on his face.

"I fail to see how this applies to the tri…" Mr. Hood tried to say, before he was again rudely interrupted.

"So what can we call you, since your usual name won't do?" Puck mused, his finger on his chin. "How about Mr. Big Nose?" Hook's face and rather large nose turned red.

"I really don't think that's approp…" Mr. Hood tried to get out, before being interrupted yet again.

"The king has made a decision!" screamed Wheatly. "Don't you dare question it!" Nobody could say that Wheatly didn't take his job seriously. Sabrina just sighed. If that was the only stupid thing he did in here, it would be a miracle.

"Okay… as I was saying, Mr. H-Big Nose demands restitution for the damages, amounting to a total of ten-thousand dollars." Sabrina managed to keep herself from snorting a second time. If Hook/Big Nose's crummy tables and second-rate furniture cost ten thousand dollars, she'd marry Elvis. (The dog not the singer)

"Thank you Prosecution, you may sit down." said Wheatly. "Defense please come forward and present your introduction and opening statement." Sabrina got up, took a deep breath, and walked around the table. The glare she sent Puck's way clearly said: you try anything, and we're through.

"Puck, if you think I'm kowtowing to you with all that _your majesty_ cr-, you've got another thing coming." Wheatly (and nearly everybody else in the courtroom) looked shocked, as though he couldn't believe someone would be that insolent to the king. Puck however, just smirked and beckoned Wheatly over. This took several minutes, as Wheatly had to drag himself up, walk over to the judge's desk, and climb up. Puck whispered something in Wheatly's ear, causing the herald momentary confusion before Puck apparently repeated his order and shooed Wheatly away.

"Miss Grimm, the king asks that you address him as, His Royal Sexiness, throughout the rest of your time in court." This time it was Sabrina's turn to look shocked.

"Why the hell would I do that?" she demanded.

"If you do not comply with the king's demands, you will be removed from court and the defendant must represent himself." Wheatly said with an almost pitying expression on his face. Sabrina looked over at Ichabod. Could he defend himself? Ichabod chose that moment to wretch into a trashcan. No. That wouldn't go over well. Sabrina's sense of duty and sense of dignity fought a fierce battle inside her. Duty won. Barely.

"Fine your royal …. Sexiness," Sabrina managed to spit out. "You know who I am, so can I get on with it?" Without waiting for an answer, she turned and addressed the jurors.

"I'll be accurate and swift because I'm in the mood for little else. Does Ichabod Crane look like the kind of man who chases dogs into bakeries? Please, he can hardly walk down the street without fainting for fear of being hit by a car. Hook's dogs on the other ha…"

"Mr. Big Nose's dogs," Puck interjected smugly.

"Do you think I give a rat's a-?!" Sabrina called loudly, which was followed by a horrified gasp from Wheatly.

"Such disrespect Grimm, What are we going to do about that?" Puck asked, mock severity all over his face.

"What **are** you going to do about it?" Sabrina challenged. In retrospect, that was probably one of the worst ways to reply to the Trickster King.

"Guards," Puck called. A half a dozen fairy guardsmen materialized out of nowhere. "This upstart has offended the royal line, arrest her." drawled Puck.

"Is this a joke you troll?!" called Sabrina, as two of the guards grabbed her hands and forced a pair of handcuffs on. (Even with all their magical devices, the fairy police force still used handcuffs)

"No joke Grimm. We take disrespect very seriously down here." Mr. Hood and Mr. Big Nose began to celebrate an assured victory. The guards started to drag Sabrina away.

"Wait, we can deal with her later. We have a trial to finish right now, and I have a feeling that the defendant will need his attorney." Puck looked appraisingly at Ichabod, who was slumped over the table in a dead faint. The threat of being left lawyerless must have been too much for him. The guards reluctantly backed off.

"Can you remove these?" Sabrina asked as scathingly as she could, gesturing towards the handcuffs. Puck ignored her. "Puck! Puck!" Puck still didn't respond. "Puc…. your royal sexiness, will you remove these?!" Puck grinned.

"No."

"What am I supposed to do about him?" Sabrina demanded, pointing at the still unconscious Ichabod.

"Your Problem, not mine." replied Puck with a yawn. Wheatly, probably trying to regain an illusion of order, called out.

"Prosecution, present your first witness."

Mr. Hood, seemingly disappointed that Sabrina hadn't been carted off, stepped forward. "Your highness, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like permission to call the citizen known as the Gingerbreadman, to the stand."

"Permission granted." said Puck. The doors at the far end of the courtroom opened, and a little brown man walked in. He was only about three inches high, and had several bite marks in him. The court watched in silence during the ten minutes or so it took him to walk across the floor and somehow swing himself up onto the witness chair. (He was pretty mobile for a cookie) Once there of course, he was difficult to see.

"Mr. Ginger, could you recount what happened that morning of June sixth, outside Mr. H-Big Nose's bakery?"

"That's Mr. Gingerbreadman to you, you brown-noser! And yeah, I saw what happened. This stick-like idiotic fool was running around the death shop. I heard a bunch of barking too, but I was too busy setting up my sign to pay real close attention."

"Well Mr. Gingerbreadman, what do you think was happening?" Mr. Hood asked.

"I thought it was just business as usual for old, Big Nose you say? Wish I'd thought of that. Have you seen what he does in there?" Mr. Hood frowned, as though that wasn't the answer he wanted.

"No more questions, your Highness," he said.

"Does the defense wish to cross-examine the witness?" Wheatly called out for the king. Puck was too busy looking at the witness and licking his lips.

"Yes, we do," replied Sabrina. "Mr. ahhh Cookie-thing, what do you mean when you say that Mr. Big Nose's store was a death shop? What does he do in there?"

"You don't see it?" he whispered in a horrified voice. "The evil man kills them! Hundreds of them! He chops off their heads and dismembers their bodies and puts it all in his display window!"

"….. You mean the gingerbread men?" Mr. Hood asked weakly.

"It's horrible, so horrible!" The court could hear sobbing coming from behind the railing around the witness chair. Eventually the Gingerbread man had to be carried out, as he was crying too hard to hear Wheatly's commands. Mr. Hood sat down looking suitable chastened.

"Would the defense like to call a witness?" Wheatly asked in a tired voice.

"Your royal…. sexiness, we would like permission to call Humpty Dumpty to the stands." Puck once again beckoned Wheatly over. He whispered something in his ear and Wheatly just sighed.

"Miss Grimm, our king has decreed as a you are currently under arrest, you don't have the right to call a witness. However, the king in his mercy has agreed to grant you that power in exchange for a boon."

"And what boon might that be?" Sabrina asked dreading the answer.

"The king requests that you sit on his lap for the rest of the trial."….. It took a moment. Then, …..

"What?"

"The king wishes that you would sit on his lap." Wheatly repeated.

"And what, pray tell, would the his royal sexiness do if I refused?" Sabrina asked with barely contained rage.

"The trial would effectively be over, since your inability to call a witness leaves us at a standstill. You would be taken into custody at that point. You would then spend the next two to four weeks in the royal dungeons awaiting your own trial." Sabrina tried to wrap her head around the horrifying situation she was in. Two to four weeks in a dungeon where Puck could come and mock her whenever he wanted? And after that another trial, probably extra crazy, just for her. Or, she could lose her self-esteem right here and now.

After a few moments of indecision Sabrina, with as much dignity as she could muster, got up, crossed the room to the judge's desk, and climbed into Puck's lap. She told herself she was only doing this to avoid further humiliation in the future, and there was NOT a part of her that actually wanted to. Everybody either openly stared, or averted their eyes. Sabrina sat on Puck's knees; as far away as she could get while still technically fulfilling what was asked of her. Puck, grinning like an idiot, must have had a problem with this, because he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her up against his chest. Sabrina let out a surprised "Eeep!" Puck also grabbed the chain of her handcuffs and pulled it over his head.

"You're a prisoner," he whispered in her ear. "I have to make sure you don't escape." Sabrina didn't respond. She was struggling with the unwanted feelings his breath on her ear gave her.

"Can I call the witness now?" Sabrina asked with all the sarcasm she could at the moment. Puck shrugged his shoulders, seemingly content to let her do what she wanted, as long as he could keep nuzzling her neck.

"Humpty Dumpty to the stands!" Wheatly called in a voice that tried to convince everyone this was civilized rule of law. A large ovoid shape waddled down the isle to the witness stand. The creature looked like a wreck, like a massive hand had crushed the unfortunate chicken byproduct and then tried to straighten it out. Wheatly was whimpering something about yolk on the carpets.

"Mr. Dumpty," Sabrina began, trying desperately to sound like she was down there on the floor and this was just another case instead of a kangaroo court where she was forced to let the judge molest her. "Perhaps you could tell the court what you saw on the morning in question?" When Humpty spoke; the entire court winced. God, even his voice was cracked.

"Well I was walking back to the job site; I'm in the construction business you know, and I saw this abnormally skinny fellow being chased into a store by a pack of dogs! There was this high pitched screaming. So high in fact, that I thought it couldn't be human, but it seemed to be emanating from the man previously ment…"

"I have a new decree!" Puck interjected. Wheatly seemed to be having a seizure.

"I declare it national beach day. Men, take off your shirts," and with that, Puck pulled Sabrina's hands back over his head, and pulled his shirt off. Sabrina gaped at his audacity. (And maybe a little at what his recent loss of clothing revealed.)

"I suppose you are going to try to put me in a bikini again?" Sabrina hissed, as all around her, male everafters looked around self-consciously before removing their shirts.

"Are you volunteering?" Puck looked pleased with himself, Sabrina looked like she wanted to strangle a certain fairy, Wheatly looked like he wanted to cry.

"Aw, cheer up Grimm! You haven't even seen the best part!" Puck laughed as he clapped his hands. A sputtering sound came from above their heads. Sabrina had just enough time to look up and wonder who had installed a spigot in the ceiling above the judge's throne.

"PUCK, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Sabrina screamed as she swept wet hair from her eyes, only to find Puck wasn't looking at her eyes. He was looking slightly…. down. Sabrina looked down too, and decided today was the worst possible day she could have worn a white blouse. "YOU PERVERT!" Sabrina yelled, even more blood rushing toward her cheeks. She wasn't the only one angry with the king. Over at the prosecution table, Hook/Big Nose was shedding his coat, muttering about flying men-boys who dress in green too much.

And suddenly, Puck wasn't looking at Sabrina's chest anymore. "What did you say?" he whispered, staring at Hook. Mr. Hood leapt to his client's defense.

"He didn't say anything, your highness. He simply …" Puck's face was now the red one.

"GET OUT!" Puck yelled. A dozen fairy guards appeared around the former Mr. Hook and Mr. Hood.

"But, what about the trial?"

"YOU LOSE!" With much pulling and prodding, the protesting prosecutors were led out of the courtroom. Ichabod looked around at the half-naked men, the traumatized jurors, and the fainted Wheatly and burst into tears of joy. Sabrina just put her face in her hands, grateful that it was over. When she looked up, however, Puck's face was centimeters from her own.

"You're still a criminal, Grimm." Puck said in a low voice. " I'll give you a choice. You can go to jail for a couple of days, or you can give me a kiss." Guess which one she chose. "Next time Grimm, remember how we do thing's in the King's court." Oh, she would.


End file.
